Freedom

"Free of disease."

That was the reading on Vampboy's MRI scan today. Even though each visit to the big picture machine could change everything for the worse, we're far enough into treatment when even his doctors don't present with the same anxiety as before. In my mind this will change, when that day comes 3 months after treatment ends, and our little one slips under the radar again for a picture of what takes place when no arsenal of chemotherapy is marching around. That will no doubt be a very, VERY stressful day.

Which makes me wonder how free we, or anyone else who deals with cancer, can ever be from this disease. VM and I have started dreaming again -- about the future, about the possibility of being able to make plans beyond what to do in the next hour. As someone who spends a great deal of energy living in the "here and now", envisioning long-term future is a stretch for me. Cancer only complicates that. It is remarkable the level of your life even a history of disease can impact. It would be one thing if its influence over our future was by our choosing, but sadly there will always be places where VB's cancer battle will rule the day (read: health insurance premiums, special education needs, etc.).

And -- not to be morbid here -- how much to we factor in the very real possibility that we could one day be here again? Remember, what VB has is very, very nasty, and known to return without warning. Several of the drugs he's taking to fight the cancer can actually CAUSE other types of cancer. It seems like looking ahead based on MRI results like today's might be a little naive.

I know I've mentioned this issue here before in various ways, but it is a complicated one without easy answers. I welcome your opinions. We will certainly be seeking and welcoming guidance as we move into the end of treatment and the beginning of......