Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Freedom

"Free of disease."

That was the reading on Vampboy's MRI scan today. Even though each visit to the big picture machine could change everything for the worse, we're far enough into treatment when even his doctors don't present with the same anxiety as before. In my mind this will change, when that day comes 3 months after treatment ends, and our little one slips under the radar again for a picture of what takes place when no arsenal of chemotherapy is marching around. That will no doubt be a very, VERY stressful day.

Which makes me wonder how free we, or anyone else who deals with cancer, can ever be from this disease. VM and I have started dreaming again -- about the future, about the possibility of being able to make plans beyond what to do in the next hour. As someone who spends a great deal of energy living in the "here and now", envisioning long-term future is a stretch for me. Cancer only complicates that. It is remarkable the level of your life even a history of disease can impact. It would be one thing if its influence over our future was by our choosing, but sadly there will always be places where VB's cancer battle will rule the day (read: health insurance premiums, special education needs, etc.).

And -- not to be morbid here -- how much to we factor in the very real possibility that we could one day be here again? Remember, what VB has is very, very nasty, and known to return without warning. Several of the drugs he's taking to fight the cancer can actually CAUSE other types of cancer. It seems like looking ahead based on MRI results like today's might be a little naive.

I know I've mentioned this issue here before in various ways, but it is a complicated one without easy answers. I welcome your opinions. We will certainly be seeking and welcoming guidance as we move into the end of treatment and the beginning of......

6 comments:

Steve said...

Congrats. You have been through so much already and having some freedom at your disposal would be a nice change.

Lainey-Paney said...

Guidance? Not from me. You guys are warriors...heroes...champs in my eyes. I truly have no words of wisdom.

You guys just amaze me.

But, I'm glad that you got at least a bit of good news, even if it is hard to fully accept & believe, or appreciate because of the underlying & all-encompassing fears...

Just love him & enjoy every moment that you all share....but, I am sure y'all already do that.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your news!!

Give the little guy a great big squeeze for me! I miss him dearly!!

Love,
Beth

Papa Bradstein said...

Congratulations on that great news!

As for what to do now, or next, I don't know how much guidance you really need. Life will still be a roller coaster, although the ups and downs may seem a little more flat to you now.

Enjoying every day is a good way to start off toward--and stay on track to--whatever dreams you have.

Keith said...

No advice and no answers here, other than to continue the great jobs you are all doing. Take the joy you can in the words "all clear" today, for it truly is wonderful news. Thanks for sharing it with everyone. :)

Keith

Fez said...

No one taught you how to handle a child with a cancer diagnosis. Who could? And how could they?

My guess is that this new chapter of the unknown will be more "playing by ear." This seems like a rather lonely place but I hope we can keep you company, even through the barrier of never being able to understand how life really is for the Vamp family.

The survivors of the Virginia Tech shootings were told by a Columbine survivor that however they handle their experience is probably right as no one has really had to do this before. "No one" is not entirely accurate in your case but it is a painfuly unique position. You will move forward as you always do - with courage, hope and tremendous love for one another.

How I wish this were different...

With love,
Heather