Thursday, July 03, 2008

We are Fireworks

It would be easier if VB's seizure's were the more typical variety that people expect when they hear the word -- some wild arm flailing or flopping about that's clearly visible from a mile away.

If only...Instead, the electrical haywire happens subtly -- slow cognitive leak versus a volcano erupting. The active boy goes quiet, his response to your questions takes longer. He seems "out of it" -- even more than the average 3 year old. Yet, to move to a place where you realize something might not be quite right, moments pass -- and the fog roles in.

Then comes the synaptic firing of the parents, each 5-10 minutes away with their "work caps" on. The phone rings, the voice says "come now", and the parent brain begins to shout.

Shut off the computer pack the bag tell the staff maybe you'll be back maybe not get the car will I be back probably not thank God I have sick time to use I can pick up where I left off on Monday I KNEW he looked off this morning why didn't we keep him home today isn't this appropriate that he has his first seizure since February the first week his mother returns to work he's gained weight so of course his medication dosage is no longer enough WHY IS THIS PERSON SITTING AT A GREEN LIGHT GET OUT OF MY WAY I wonder if I can speed perhaps that cop will just follow me to the school and take pity as I rush in well maybe not I'll slow down I CAN'T HEAR YOU HONEY THE PHONE IS BREAKING UP WHY DON'T I JUST GET THERE I hope this doesn't require a trip to the hospital this had better be just a breakthrough seizure and not a sign of relapse relapse relapse the BIG R that we won't think about because I don't have the energy there's the turn almost there where can I park with the dogs in the car it's a billion degrees out F@##% it I'll just leave the car running with the air conditioner on we live in a decent town my car should be fine now how do I get to the room he's in I know the sign says "please do not go down this hall follow detour" but it's quicker so screw it no one is watching anyway I'll just keep running run run run run run I'M HERE I'M HERE IT'S OKAY I'M HERE......

The explosions stop. The fog clears. Suddenly the boy snaps to normal, while VM takes a call from the doctor for an update and the teachers fill me in on the proceedings of the morning. We head home for an unplanned afternoon. VB takes a two and a half hour nap while I lay at his side, feeling his warmth and begging the universe to stop kidding around.

3 comments:

Francesca Giessmann said...

my heart is TIGHT . .not sure if it translates well in English but I am here . .hoping that it was the heat or something... and all this will just be a bad day in memory..

OH.. VD AND VM: thinking of you
ciao
Francesca

soapfaerie said...

Oh goodness... Your family is in my thoughts and prayers as usual. Try not to let your mind race too far ahead of your heart...
love,
heather a~*

the manny said...

Thank goodness you don't have to have that internal monologue everyday...the strength you two have continues to astound and inspire me.

Big hugs.